There are a lot of pregnancy symptoms that most people are
aware of (i.e. morning sickness; fatigue; swollen ankles etc). However, no one
tells you about some of the less common ones, or at least they leave out the
grimmer details. It’s not until you’ve swilled with mouthwash for the twelfth
time in one day, trying to stop your mouth feeling like a camel’s arse that you
suspect your experience of pregnancy may be more unchartered than you first
thought.
I’ve listed a few things that no one told me about pregnancy
that I’ve discovered for myself as I’ve waddled blindly through this baffling
and remarkable journey.
1. Your nipples
constantly stick out like frozen Tic Tacs, forcing you to carefully choose
which shirt you wear with which bra.
Everyone is too polite to point out your points, so you walk around
looking like you’re smuggling marbles until you happen to notice them in a
mirror.
2. Whilst vivid
dreams are a known phenomenon of pregnancy hormones, no one tells you just how
weird they can be. I always thought the dreams would be about the baby, where
you could feel the softness of their skin, and smell the soft talc of a freshly
changed newborn. Nope. One of my dreams entailed the ceiling caving
in on our bedroom. I woke up in an
adrenalin-fuelled panic, shot out of bed and squinted at the ceiling, and could
actually see the insulation from the loft falling into the room. It wasn’t until I turned a torch on that I
realised I was hallucinating. Not quite
the lovely new baby dreams I was expecting.
Husband notes: “Or
getting grumbled at for not understanding quite how chop sticks could be used
as back supports when trying to sneak into the bedroom in early hours of the
morning, having binged out on all those foods wife can’t have. Yes now I look like I’m carrying triplets.”
3. Get a group of
pregnant women together in a room, and suddenly a whole range of topics usually
deemed unpalatable suddenly become socially acceptable. Everything from breast changes, piles,
flatulence, bowel movements and pelvic floor exercises are discussed. I know far more about complete strangers’
cervixes than I ever really wanted to.
However, it is nice to be able to talk about some things with other
pregnant women. Announcing your
pregnancy to parents or other pregnant women is like signing up to an exclusive
club. This, I feel, is a great service
to the rest of the population because, let’s face it, unless you’re expecting or
have kids yourself, babies are frankly dull.
Husband notes: “This is
same for men, however it’s info about friends’ partners’ cervixes which is
frankly never appropriate.”
4. I’m pretty sure
some elements of my personality are changing. I have never been one to gush
over the perceived cuteness of anything.
Quite the opposite; I’m usually accused of being uncaring and emotionless.
Lately though the mere sight of a tiny pair of booties renders me a simpering
mess. Most embarrassing.
Husband notes: “Survival guide 101: Always have hidden baby product in case of
anger wave, then toss and run like hell.”
5. For some reason I
thought that my belly button would be an innie one day, and then I would wake
up one day and it became a complete outtie, like some kind of fleshy
aerial. It turns out there’s a gradual
migration of the navel. Mine seems to be
unfurling gradually like a limpet questing for algae. It’s kinda gross. When I sit up from lying down my navel sticks
all the way out like a depraved, Ridley Scott inspired jack-in-the-box.
6. Once you get over
the holy-crap-I-had-no-idea-boobs-could-hurt-this-much stage, you reach a point
where your boobs look awesome.
Unfortunately, for me anyway, this quickly transcended to a less
aesthetic point where they just look bruised.
This is the capillaries bursting due to the increased blood flow and
rapid growth. Yippee. It detracts somewhat from one of the few good
pregnancy symptoms!
Husband notes: “I’ll
always help apply the Bio-Oil. I’m kind
like that.”
So, pregnancy isn’t simply a case of hurling your way
through 9 months of exorbitant tiredness resulting in a screeching, leaking
being at the end of it. Pregnancy throws
your body into a major hissy fit with its assault of hormones, stretching skin
and volatile mood swings. I only have 3
more months to go, and I’m both exited and apprehensive about what I will experience
over this time.
