I apologise for any spelling/grammar errors; sleep deprivation is a
marvellous thing for humbling an overly pedantic approach to the English
language. I should probably also apologise if the content only makes
sense to me. Sleep deprivation is a marvellous thing for catalyzing a
descent into nonsensical prose.
Little Parasite made his appearance into the world on Christmas day, and
Husband and I are gradually getting used to life with a baby. I still
have moments of 'bloody hell, we have a baby!' and wondering, despite
really concentrating during biology lectures, how we got here.
LP is now 4 weeks old, and I'm surprised by how many fallacies can be found
in baby books:
Four hourly feeds
All the pregnancy books I read proclaim that you have to feed your newborn
every four hours round the clock. I thought that sounded pretty tough,
but hey, a four hour block of sleep isn't too bad. What the books neglect
to tell you is that this routine is based on formula fed babies. Imagine
my shock when I found myself feeding Little Parasite every 1.5 - 2 hours day
and night. No sooner had I settled LP back to sleep and it was either time
for another feed, or nappy change. Luckily, LP is a little weird and at
only 4 weeks old he sleeps for 3 hours in a row at night, so I only had to be
zombified for about 10 days. That's no guarantee that he won't slip back
into hourly feeds however.
I'm sure that the 'four hourly feed' myth is not corrected as it serves the
'breast is best' campaigners well. Frankly, there would be less people quitting
breastfeeding if they knew what to expect, rather than be abruptly slapped in
the face by the fish of reality.
Breastfeeding is a bonding experience
I'm still waiting for this amazing bonding experience I've heard about
between baby and mother when breastfeeding. Honestly, I just feel like an
immobilised dairy cow. I wonder if all this bonding people go on about is
really Stockholm syndrome.
I'm pretty sure LP differentiates me and Husband as 'the milky one' and 'the
not milky one ' respectively. Until I'm more than just a food source to
LP I doubt I'll be overcome with a dizzying sense of closeness brought on by
breastfeeding. In the meantime the milky bra's are on me.
Irrational tears
I was fully expecting to dissolve into a salty pool of irrationality within
the first week. All the post-birth literature I've read warns that you
will burst into tears at really silly things (your partner put his socks in the
laundry bin; you looked at the dado rail...). I had one moment when tears
threatened to spring. Husband and I were discussing the temperature
settings on our thermostat and I suddenly felt the hot sting of tears forming,
although I didn't actually descend into hysteria. So, being irrationally
hormonal is not a given.
You will still look pregnant post-birth
I was not looking forward to still have a pregnancy paunch for weeks after
giving birth, but within 10 days I didn't look like I'd just had a baby.
In fact, my pre-pregnancy clothes were baggy. I know this makes me sound
like a self-satisfied, smug cow, but since I'm in my 30's I think I'm allowed a
certain degree of boastfulness. However, my stomach feels like a
half-filled water balloon, so I do have a bit of work to do, and darling LP
split my abdominal muscles (diastasis recti) during pregnancy, so no crunches
for me for a while.
Our voyage into parenthood has only just begun, so it will be interesting to see what else turns out to contradict our expectations. From everything I've read, your children rebutting everything you've read is the only certainty.
