Conan the Carbarian

I suffer from severe PMT, or parking manoeuvre trauma.  I am an OK driver, I wouldn't say I was great, but I've not had any serious incidents.  I do fine when I'm actually driving, and negotiating around other drivers and moving objects. However, when it comes to maneuvering around stationary objects and parking, well, things are not so great.  Somehow things become far more complicated in my head when my point of reference is perfectly still. It makes no sense!  I can happyily compensate for the disconcerting swerving of an inebriated driver and avoid them, but a perfectly still bollard? Now that's complicated!

My most recent dent personalisation to the car occurred a couple of weekends ago on a trip to Plymouth. I drove the two and a half hours from Bristol without issue, but once I arrived at the shopping centre car park, that all changed. I was aware I was running late, so was desperately searching for a parking space. As I was nearing the top of the car park, I espied an empty space. It was placed horizontally against the outer wall of the car park, and had a lime green support pillar running down the middle of the outside of the space (this is a rubbish explanation, so a rubbish diagram to accompany it is below).  For some reason known only to Plymouth City Council, the two spaces further along the wall had no pillar, but had painted 'no parking' markings over them.

I swung the car into the space and attempted to straighten up. Husband tentatively told me that I was going to hit the car against the pillar; I gave a cursory glance at the side mirror, and noting the mirror itself was clear continued anyway. The rather upsetting scruncheeezeee sound of metal against concrete alerted me to quite how close the pillar was. I was then faced with a horrible realisation that I was going to have to do more damage to get the car off the pillar. All in all, it did not end well.

Click to enlarge the damage, and mock Negative Voice's

poor grammar -touche!

I have now christened our car Conan the Carbarian, as it is adorned with many dents and war wounds. I like to think of it as rugged (like Russel Crow in Gladiator, not Robin Williams in the Fisher King) rather than a mangled tin bucket held together by t-cut and wax. I think it makes a formidable presence on the road, and people certainly move out of the way of it. Although this may be more to do with doubts over the driver's ability than the aesthetics of the car itself.

Over-reaction

I've had to temporarily remove the instant reactions tool at the bottom of my posts. For some reason, since it had been there people couldn't leave comments. I've checked my settings, and can't see any reason why they can't co-exist. I guess not all Blogspot tools are created equally.

So, despite thinking the reactions tool was pretty cool, they're gone for now. If I can't have both, I'd much rather have a dialogue with people than just some impersonal tick boxes. If anyone has any tips/ideas as to what I may have done wrong, please leave a comment (you can now!)

Introducing Negative Voice

I'm sure most people have a Negative Voice whispering things to them when their confidence is shot. I know I do. Mine strikes at any time though, even when I am feeling confident. Negative Voice keeps me in check, and makes sure I don't get carried away with dreams. Re-reading this, I've totally made myself sound mental, and a bit creepy. I'm not mad. Just a bit, well, socially retarded.

Negative Voice is the opinion you hear when you doubt yourself, it's the awkward social faux pas, the words you stumble on when you talk to people. It's also the pain-in-the-ass reason I'm still in an entry level job. I'm not bitter about it though. Really.

Click to enlarge

The missing lynx

Click to enlarge

Marriage

Marriage is more a state of mind than a legal status. Husband and I were together for 7 years before we got married, so married life didn't make a huge difference to our relationship. Apart from the financial black-hole that follows a price tag with anything bridal, and leaving me slightly confused in doctor's waiting rooms when addressed by my new surname.

If you're not sure whether you can classify yourself as married (whether you own a marriage certificate or not) check out the guide below.

1. Your sexy lingerie and comfy pants are now the same thing

2. Your dates have become a trip to the big Tesco Extra with the cafe and big clothing and electronics departments
3. Farting in front of each other is no longer embarrassing, but has become a competitive sport
4. Making an effort with your appearance now just involves an extra spray of deodorant, and locating your cleanest jeans with the least holes
5. You no longer finish each others' sentences. Instead, you blatantly talk over one another

6. You're no longer asked how your day is; the bath is already run and the wine poured because they know without asking

Friday

I am very tired, so here is a crappy little drawing in amazing monochrome. Now, if you will excuse me I am off to catch up with Insomnia, my guest for the last two weeks. I will probably read this again at some point and realise it makes no sense. Hey-ho, that's the nature of sleep deprivation.

Public bathroom etiquette

A guide for the less initiated...

1. Where possible, leave at least one empty cubicle between you and the next person. It's seriously creepy to have a pee-stalker right next to you.

2. Don't talk. No one needs to hear about the bargain shoes you bought when they're trying to go to the toilet. It's off-putting. There are very few times when conversation is necessary.

3. Resist the urge to yell "it wasn't me!" when leaving a particularly stinky cubicle. If they didn't think it was you before, they do now.

4. If it was you, for God's sake at least spray some deodorant.

5. Be prepared for some pretty horrific public bathrooms (they are common). You may need your own hand sanitizer or even loo roll. Try not to get carried away.

6. Wash your hands. Really? You need an explanation for this one?