Phone anxiety (and also a pika)

I doubt I’m alone in this, but I really struggle to converse with people face-to-face.  I get anxious, and then start talking at an incredible speed which ultimately results in me stumbling on my words and having to start again.  Unfortunately, I end up actually saying ‘start again’ out loud in an effort to reel in my panic when orating, which does nothing for my already fragile street-cred.  I just cannot seem to cope with conversation, which I find frustrating since I love the English language, and trying to maintain communication with people solely using post-it notes just isn’t working out.

Most people are nice enough not to comment as I flounder in a sea of my own incoherence, but I then assume they are being supercilious, and then imagine what they may be thinking:

“ Oh dear,  poor lass, getting all tongue-tongued. Ah, ok yep, getting the gist... oh no, gone again. Be patient, she’ll get there eventually.  Kinda amusing really.  Ho-hum, I really have things to get on with.  Good grief, she talks that quick and the sentence still isn’t finished? Maybe I’ll just discreetly edge my way to the exit there...”

The sympathetic expressions are the worst.  On top of feeling like a moron for not being able to form a complete sentence, I then have to deal with pity.  It’s like they’re saying “it’s ok, we don’t really expect anything more from you.”

So, me and phones, we really don’t get on.  Happily, phones don’t play a huge part in my role at work so I’m saved from a constant onslaught of anxiety attacks.

The hoody, it turns out, is not an effective tool to handle

phone related anxiety.

However, external calls are most often from foreigners, when English is not their first (or even second) language.  These calls progress like a wedding dance.  Everyone knows what’s expected of them, but because nobody knows the other party’s relatives that well, no one gets up and jives wholeheartedly.  Instead, everyone furtively skulks around the outskirts of the dance floor, occasionally thrusting in an apathetic foot when the Hokey Cokey plays.

After I've attempted to respond to the caller’s query, the conversation goes along the following lines, although perhaps with less xenophobic overtones:

Caller: “I sorry, you very much talk fast. Repeat?”

Me: “ver’sorrytheformsyouneedcanbefoundonyourhomepageyoucanthenemailitwhencomplete”

Caller: “I not comprehend; please slower?”

Me: “Sorryformsonhomepagepleaseemailsorry”

Caller: “.........”

Me: “Could you email your query, and I’ll answer it directly”

Caller: “Yes. I think that would be best.”

After setting the phone back in its cradle, and, florid with the heat of humiliation, I scuttle away like a startled pika (which are incredibly cool, but endangered mammals) to calm myself with a cup of tea, which is the only valid British reaction to mild social discomfort.

            

 The pika.  Looks a lot like a chinchilla, but belongs in the

lagomorph (rabbit) family. Kinda like a 2nd cousin who

looks a bit like the milkman.  Not to be mistaken for

Pikachu of Pokemon fame. Although I reckon the pika

must have been an influencing factor in his creation.

Are there any everyday tasks or situations that you dread?  What’s the worst, or best, phone call you’ve had?  Have you received (or dialled) a crank call?