Pensions

It's time to opt for our new benefit selections at work (i.e. pensions, medical insurance, cycle schemes etc.), so there have been several presentations put on to help us choose.

I toddled off to one this morning expecting the mysteries of fiscal savviness to be unravelled. Unfortunately, I have never been mathematically minded, so to me the description of the cycle scheme sounded something like this:

"The total cost is spread over the year and you pay the remaining 3% value dependant on the agreed depreciation rate of cottage cheese times the airing time of bamboo  flippety blippety doopy boop boop."

By the time you leave the presentation you're left feeling a little bit retarded, wondering how you were even considered competent enough to have your own bank account. The rest of the day is spent picturing your future old self wearing fingerless woolly gloves, eating cold beans out of a tin and unable to move under the weight of twenty threadbare blankets, cursing your younger self for investing in a bike instead of a pension.